Viper In My Bosom

A comedy in four acts
by Terry J. Aman

Dramatis Personæ

Diedre Bunch – Type-A director of “The Tarryton Troupe of Thespians,” an established theatrical company since 1968.
Carol Foster – An agreeable person who is deathly afraid of Diedre
Harold Bunch – Diedre’s timid husband
Annette Henstridge – A Type-A board member and player with the Triple-T
Marlene Mackabee – She’s very old.
Barney Mackabee – So’s he.
Carl James – Good-looking, but getting a little long in the tooth for leading man
Carla James – Carl’s daughter; quite young, and eager to please.
Alan Kingsbury – An energetic young thespian, just back from college, decides to form the “Tarryton Players”
Didi Bitz – His girlfriend.
Jake Cafferty – Alan’s friend from high school
Marcus Diffie – Alan’s friend from high school
Cameron Foster – Carol’s son, Alan’s friend from college. A playwright.
Diane Chambers – Jitters employee.

“Viper in My Bosom” play-within-a-play

Tarryton Troupe of Thespians     character           Tarryton Players
Carol, Diedre                   Direction                  Alan
Annette             Lavinnia Cavendish, a gold-digger     Didi
Marlene               Lady Cavendish, a dowager           Jake
Harold                      Morton, a butler              Cameron
Carla                    Amelia, a chambermaid            Diane
Carl                  Lord Lance Puffingham-Jones         Marcus
Barney            Detective-Inspector Mallory Quince      Carla

Excerpt - Act 1

AT RISE: A coffeehouse in Tarryton, Illinois. There’s a counter SL, two couches facing each other way USR, one with back to audience. There’s a couple of tables SR, with a couple tables pushed together DCS. Filling in the vacuum USL is a low bookshelf and a window with “Jitters” lettered backwards. Entrance is USL. Exit to bathroom is DSR.
  Throughout Act I, DIANE should quite unobtrusively be moving back and forth among characters with no scripted lines, taking their orders and bringing them coffee and refills.
  DIEDRE is at the head of the DCS tables, with HAROLD sitting SL and CAROL and ANNETTE sitting SR. DIEDRE has a briefcase and a number of scripts and catalogues open in front of her and a glare on her face. Over a moment of generalized hubbub at the table, largely concerning script selection, DIEDRE’s voice ultimately prevails.

DIEDRE: I think we’ve simply got to look at something decidedly fresher.

CAROL: Okay, then, what would you like to do, Diedre?

DIEDRE: Well, actually, Carol, it was that conversation we were having the other day when you mentioned your son …

CAROL: Oh, yes. (To MARLENE) My son Cameron is home from school.

DIEDRE: ... coming home from college for the summer with that collegiate award-winning something or other.

CAROL: (Beaming) “Viper In My Bosom.” It’s a two-act sitting-room drama about love between the classes, revenge, betrayal and murder. Done entirely in period.

MARLENE: Oh, how exciting. And your son wrote this?

CAROL: Oh, my, yes, (To ANNETTE) and darling, you’re going to love it – it’s completely British.

ANNETTE: Veddy, veddy British?

DIEDRE: So, a fresh script from a young, local, award-winning playwright right out of college, no less. What could be fresher?

BARNEY: Does he have a publisher?

CAROL: That’s just it. It won for best scene and so forth, but it’s never been produced. That’s why I brought it up, Diedre: I thought we could surprise him.

HAROLD: You mean, do his play without telling him?

CAROL: You know how kids are. He’s working like a dog all summer, paying no attention to theater – taking the next three months as a complete break, he told me.

DIEDRE: It’s just as well. I don’t like what I’ve been hearing.

ANNETTE: Hearing?

DIEDRE: Never mind that just now. (To HAROLD) That’s our next order of business.

CAROL: Anyway, he just left the script lying around in his room. So while he was out, I snuck in and took it.

ANNETTE: How surreptitious!

CAROL: No, he’s a good boy. Anyway, I took it and made seven copies.

ANNETTE: Seven?

CAROL: The play has six characters – a hard-hearted gold-digging tramp, her mother, a sort of youngish butler, a beautiful young maid, a young, handsome lord of the manor, and a police officer. And then one for the director.

ANNETTE: I’ll be the beautiful young maid.

CAROL: Actually ... (Turning to DIEDRE for support) and I think it was my turn to direct the first show this year? (DIEDRE nods) (Back to ANNETTE) I thought I’d see if Carl’s daughter Carla would be interested in getting involved.

ANNETTE: (Makes a face) That stringy little flower girl from John and Sarah’s wedding?

DIEDRE: Annette, that wedding was eight years ago. (To CAROL) And the divorce was three years ago. (To TABLE GROUP) She’s home from college – (To ANNETTE) her second year of college – this summer as well. She’s in theater there ...

(CARL enters with CARLA USL)

DIEDRE: ... and I think this group could use some fresh blood.

CARL: I’m all tapped out. Gave at the office.

HAROLD: (Stands) Carl, good to see you.

ANNETTE: (Remains seated) And this must be little Carla.

CARLA: Yes, um, hi.

ANNETTE: Yes. Um. Hi. Little, itty, bitty, teensy, weensy, tiny, wee little Carla.

DIEDRE: (To CARLA) Don’t mind her, dear. (To ANNETTE) Fangs, darling. (To CARL, looking at watch) So glad you could make it, Carl. I was hoping we could persuade your Carla to be a part of our summer opener.

CARL: (Takes the last empty seat, leaving CARLA to bring over a seat from the next table) Carla? Of course. You’ll have time to be in a play this summer, won’t you dear?

CARLA: (Positions chair DS of Marlene) Plays? Um ...

CARL: It’s settled. Who knows? (Winks at CAROL) You might even see Cameron there.

CARLA: (Sitting, flushes) Um ...

CAROL: Actually, Carl, we were going to keep Cameron out of this one. Do it as a surprise – (To DIEDRE, hopefully) if we decide to do it, that is.

DIEDRE: Well, you’ve already made the copies.

CAROL: (Blushing) I didn’t know you’d want to start with it. (To TABLE GROUP) If we wait ‘til he’s back in school, he won’t hear about it at all.

DIEDRE: But they might do it at school, then, and we wouldn’t be able to break it in for him.

CARL: A surprise play? How exciting! Will we be letting the audience know?

CAROL: He’s got his convenience store job working nights, he sleeps all day anyway. He’s a kid – doesn’t pay attention to anything. We’ll just advertise as usual.

DIEDRE: A fresh new play. So, what do you say? Start our season with “Viper In My Bosom”? All in favor say “aye.”

TABLE GROUP (Except CARLA): Aye!

Excerpts - Act 2

Four weeks later: Stage divided into rehearsal spaces for the Players SR and the Troupe SL.

DIEDRE: Yes, yes. Okay, well, that was a near miss on Cameron’s play, but I’ve just been informed that as far as the “Tarryton Players” are concerned, we’re doing “Faust.” That’s the word that should stay out there. Our audience tends to pay more attention to what’s in the Shopper, so we will concentrate our promotion through the paper. Also, once the flyers are back ...

CAROL: Oh, I was going to tell you. (Pulls posters from bag) I picked them up today.

DIEDRE: Splendid! (Takes them, hands them out). We don’t have a lot of them, so this weekend, I’d like each of you to begin circulating the posters around town where you think they’ll go best.

MARLENE: I’ll get the nursing homes.

CARL: I’ll get the health club.

ANNETTE: I’ll get ... (Looking at hers) ... the Dramamine.

BARNEY: (Looks at his) What is this?

MARLENE: (Looking at hers) Oh no.

CAROL: What? (Looks at hers) “The Tarryton Players are proud to present ... ?”

DIEDRE: The fools!

CAROL: The time and place are right.

CARL: And the name is right. “Viper In My Bosom.”

CAROL: The stage is wrong. We’re in Auditorium 3B.

DIEDRE: Some crackhead at Kinko’s has just made a terrible joke.

CAROL: I don’t understand. I did them up myself. I submitted them myself.

DIEDRE: Last time we use them. Okay, everyone, take a black marker this week and mark in our name.

CAROL: They can’t go up like that ...

DIEDRE: I know, darling. I’m sorry. We have a very strict promotions budget and we’re absolutely tapped after last season’s production of “Anything Goes.” A whole ship on stage! The set was a killer.

CAROL: (Unconvinced) I guess it’ll be all right.

DIEDRE: I’ll have a word with the manager. After this, we should get the programs for free.

CAROL: Was there anything else?

DIEDRE: Not from me. Just get those posters corrected and get them up.

DIRECTORS: Lights! (ALAN and DIEDRE pound on floor)

AMELIAs:  ”Morton? Morton! The knocker is pounding something frightful.”

MORTONs: (Enter scenes) “So it is, miss.” (Cross to CS) “It’s that Cavendish woman, I’ll warrant.”

AMELIAs: “Women, you mean.” (DIANE dusts CAMERON as he passes. ALAN laughs) These titled poor relations always come in pairs.”

LANCEs: (Enter SCENEs. MARCUS without trousers) “Amelia, I must speak to you a moment.”

AMELIAs: (Cross to LANCEs) “Yes milord?”

DIRECTORS: Volume, Amelia.

AMELIAs: (Louder) “Yes, milord?”

DIRECTORS: Better.

LANCEs: “I know you’ve been in the family for generations.” (CARL playing it straight, MARCUS with barely restrained frivolity) “I trust you like I trust my jewels. Your mother was like a mother to me.” (CARL pauses)

DIANE: Me too. (ALAN laughs)

LANCEs: “Mine own governess. I swear by all that is good and pure ...”

AMELIAs: (CARLA tenderly, DIANE looking at MARCUS’s boxers) “Milord, what a state you’re in!” (ALAN laughs)

LANCEs: “I’ve tossed and I’ve turned in my bed at night.”

AMELIAs: “Milord!”

LANCEs: “My dreams have long been troubled” (MARCUS pauses here, and with emphasis on the next phrase) “by a longing” (ALAN laughs) (CARL pauses here) “for that which never have I tasted but so long have I longed for.”

AMELIAs: “Oh, milord, I’ve felt your longing mirrored in mine” (DIANE pauses here) “heart.” (ALAN laughs) (CARLA pauses here) “And though it be a foolishness, so often have I also longed for you.”

DIANE: (Bonnet slips off back of her head. She turns and bends to pick it up)

MORTONs:  (Re-entering SCENEs from CS) “This way, milady.”

LADY CAVENDISHes and LAVINNIAs: (Following) “Thank you, Morton.”

MORTONs: “Oh, milord!”

AMELIAs: (DIANE stands up. CARLA turns to face the women) “Miladies!” (DIANE drops feather duster, stepping back into MARCUS. ALAN laughs.)

LAVINNIAs: “YOU!”

LANCEs: (CARL turns CARLA back to him, tenderly) “I’ll see you in the” (MARCUS with a nervous catch in the throat) “library.” (“Exit” to extreme sides, MARCUS at a run. CARLA turns back to face ANNETTE.) (ALAN laughs)

LAVINNIAs: (Cross to AMELIAs as LADY CAVENDISHes sit at “couches”) “It’s obvious that he loves you.” (ALAN laughs)

AMELIAs: “Alas, and I him. But it can never be.”

LAVINNIAs: “It shall never be.” (To LADY CAVENDISHes) “Mother, please follow milord and put my suit to him.”
DIDI: (Add, as HAROLD moves to help MARLENE) “Put any suit to him.” (ALAN laughs)

MORTONs: “Yes miss. This way, milady.” (MORTONs “exit” with LADY CAVENDISHes to extreme sides)

AMELIAs: “Your quarrel is not with me.”

LAVINNIAs: “I’ve stated and stayed my case with this intolerable man, for more than a year since his dear wife passed. And today I find you and him like this?” (ALAN laughs)

AMELIAs: “Milord will love for beauty, milady. Your heart would love for gold.”

LAVINNIAs: “WRETCH!”  (Grip AMELIAs by shoulders)

(ANNETTE puts a creditable stranglehold on CARLA, who struggles slightly and passes out gently onto the “couch.” Meanwhile, DIANE and DIDI get into a catfight, wrestling with each other and knocking into the furniture, and DIANE hitting DIDI. Ultimately, DIDI straddles DIANE, strangling her, and DIANE is out cold.)

ALAN: (Laughing) And scene!

Excerpt - Act 3

AT RISE:  Two identical sets, the sitting room from Act I Scene 1, placed 90 degrees to the audience. It’s backstage at the break heading into Act 2, Scene 2 of “Viper In My Bosom,” in which the characters assemble for the police inquiry into LAVINNIA’s death.

ALAN: (Enters FSR, CAMERON about FSC, rubbing cheek) There you are, Camembert! What a great scene! The applause is still ringing in my ears.

CAMERON: I don’t know, Alan. All that rewrite stuff you added in the first scene of Act 2 didn’t help matters. Even with the butler spritzing Lance with seltzer water, it doesn’t follow as the night the day he’s going to come back in dressed as Lavinnia.

ALAN: It’s farce, Cameron!

CAMERON: But logically ... I mean, look. Why would Lord Lance Puffingham-Jones even have a dress like that?

ALAN: Well ...

CAMERON: Or a wig.

ALAN: Well, that’s ...

CAMERON: Not to mention the heels.

ALAN: Probably because the Lance I directed has a much more interesting life than the Lance you wrote.

CAMERON: Transvestite clubs near stately country homes in 1835 in Great Britain. (As Queen Victoria) We are not amused.

ALAN: (Gestures to FS posters) Look at these things. They’re everywhere. A whole cast fixing them and they still got them wrong.

CAMERON: It’s still a good house ...

DIDI: (Enters FSR at a run) Alan! Alan!

ALAN: Didi, my darling! (Hugs her) You’re doing such a great job tonight.

DIDI: But my fur! I can’t find my fur anywhere.

CAMERON: Did you look in the set room?

DIDI: Yes.

CAMERON: Props?

DIDI: Uh-huh.

ALAN: It’s not in and among the coats from Act I?

DIDI: (Shakes head) I looked. I had it on during the confrontation. I know because it was itching me.

ALAN: It can’t have gotten far.  (Peers US at FCS and turns back to DIDI) No, I see it. It fell off. It’s lying on stage where you fell.

DIDI: Oh jeez.

ALAN: (Reassuring) Don’t worry about it. Just come on and lie like you fell and no one will notice.

CAMERON: (Looks at watch) Oh, God, we’re on in just a few.

ALAN: You complain about me? (Grips CAMERON’s wrist) Why is a butler in a stately country home in 1835 wearing a Timex Twist-a-Flex band watch?

CAMERON: Sorry.

ALAN: (Removes it, looks at it) You’ve got five minutes yet. You guys get ready for places and I’ll get the lights. (CAMERON and DIDI head to exit FSR) Oh, and Cameron ...

CAMERON: (Turns back to ALAN)

ALAN: It really is a fine show.

Excerpts - Act 4

The coffeeshop from Act 1, the following summer.

CAMERON: (To CAROL) I ask you again, is that theater?

ANNETTE: Of course not. The makeup’s all wrong for one thing.

DIANE: Silence!

CAMERON: Scheduling “As You Like It” during midterms, running “A Christmas Carol” over winter break and arranging “Barefoot in the Dark” ...

CARLA: “In the Park,” dear. “Barefoot in the Park.”

CAMERON: ... “Barefoot in the Park” over MTV’s Spring Break. Enough already! What man can focus on theater when there’s girls in bikinis going completely ignored? It’s time for a change! We’re taking over your precious Troupe whether you like it or not! Bring in the Great One!

DIANE: (Bangs gong)

(ALAN enters unarmed SR in flowing white caftan robe)

TABLE GROUP: (Silent, except for maybe one or two gasps)

PLAYERS, except for ALAN: (Chanting) Oh, Great One! Oh, Great One! Oh, Great One!

ALAN: (Taking position DCS) Silence, silence my friends, silence. Peace be with you.

CAMERON: (Moves even with ALAN) Oh, now may theater be done.

DIDI: Now will history begin anew!

MARCUS: Now will plays be performed as they ought.

CAMERON: (Irritated) Yes, well ...

DIANE: Now may the fruits of our talent be revealed!

ALAN: Please, my friends. (To DIANE) You may reveal your talented fruits any time you like. (Directly out) You have done well. But this way is not our way. Wars and rumors of wars are the path of destruction. We will unite our cause.

CAROL: (Stands) As you say.  MAHARANA!

TABLE GROUP: (Variously, to each other, with excitement) Maharana! The Name! The Enchantress! The Mystic Enchantress!

DIEDRE: (Enters USL dressed and armed not unlike Patty Hearst at the height of Symbionese Liberation Party party wear) I have been summoned. I am here!

(As DIEDRE enters, she crosses SR. TABLE GROUP rises and assembles behind her. ALAN takes position SL and PLAYERS assemble behind him, including CARLA)

ALAN: So, Old One, you are indeed arrived, and I see, poised to join battle.

DIEDRE: And unseemly battle joined.

ALAN: Save that! Our arts will out! (Withdraws USL, claps hands above head) SCENE!

CAMERON: If that’s pathos, let’s see pathetic. I challenge your Christopher Wren!

(TROUPE, sans CARLA, obviously, look to each other with light consternatious hubbub, during which the words “Mousetrap” and “Agatha Christie’s ‘Mousetrap!’” are heard. DIEDRE maintains her position and weapon impassively. ALAN strides confidently DSL. Momentarily, nervously, HAROLD moves even with him.)

CAMERON: From your entrance, (To HAROLD, feigning deference) sir.

HAROLD: (As WREN, opens nervously and a little wooden) “Weather is, um, simply awful. My taxi gave up at your gate. Wouldn’t attempt the drive. No sporting instinct. Are you Mrs. Ralston? How delightful! My name’s Wren.”

ANNETTE: (Not moving from GROUP, as MOLLIE, a little coldly) “How do you do, Mr. Wren?”

ALAN: (As WREN, moving about freely, with glance SR, HAROLD a little lost) “You know, you’re not at all as I’d pictured you. I’ve been thinking of you as a retired General’s widow. Indian Army. I thought you’d be terrifically grim and Memsahibish, and that the whole place would be simply crammed with Benares brass. Instead, it’s heaven! Quite heavenly. Lovely proportions.” (Points at ANNETTE) “That’s a fake!” (ANNETTE’s hand flies to chest. ALAN points at the table) “Ah, but this table’s genuine. I’m simply going to love this place. Have you got any wax flowers or birds of Paradise?”

ANNETTE: (Not moving from GROUP, as MOLLIE, with not-at-all disguised irritation) “I’m afraid not.”

HAROLD: (Remembering himself with icy glance from DIEDRE, as WREN, but still a little wooden) “Er, what a pity! Well, what about a sideboard?” (Attempting “bubbly”) “A purple plummy mahogany sideboard with great solid carved fruits on it?”

ANNETTE: (Still in position, and gestures to nothing SR, as MOLLIE, and smiling faintly at HAROLD) “Yes, we have – in the dining-room.”

HAROLD: (As WREN, looks at nothing in direction ANNETTE gestured) “In here? I must see it.” (Pretends to look) “Absolutely perfect. Real bedrock respectability. But why do away with a center mahogany table? Little tables just spoil the effect.”

ANNETTE: (As MOLLIE, still in GROUP) “We thought guests would prefer them.” (Gestures to CARL) “This is my husband.”

ALAN: (As WREN, nodding to CARL) “How do you do? Terrible weather, isn’t it? Takes one back to Dickens and Scrooge and that irritating Tiny Tim. So bogus. Of course, Mrs. Ralston, you’re absolutely right about the little tables. I was being carried away by my feeling for period. If you had a mahogany dining table, you’d have to have the right family round it.” (Looks to CARL) “Stern handsome father with a beard,” (Looks to ANNETTE) “Prolific, faded mother,” (Looks to nobody in particular, moving about freely) “Eleven children of assorted ages, a grim governess, and somebody called ‘poor Harriet,’ the poor relation who acts as general dogsbody and is very, very grateful for being given a good home!”
CARL: (Unpleasantly, as GILES, to ALAN) “I’ll take your suitcase upstairs for you.” (To ANNETTE) “Oak Room, did you say?”

ANNETTE: (As MOLLIE) “Yes.”

HAROLD: (As WREN, “bubbliness” at his peak, which isn’t high) “I do hope that it’s got a four-poster with little chintz roses?”

CARL: (As GILES) “It hasn’t.”

ALAN: (As WREN, much bubblier than HAROLD, to ANNETTE) “I don’t believe your husband is going to like me. How long have you been married? Are you very much in love?”

ANNETTE: (As MOLLIE, coldly) “We’ve been married just a year. Perhaps you’d like to go up and see your room?”

HAROLD: (As WREN) “Ticked off! But I do so like knowing all about people. I mean, I think people are so madly interesting. Don’t you?”

CAMERON: Not you people, that’s for sure. (WRENs rejoin GROUPS, ALAN with triumph, HAROLD a little pierced by CAMERON’s line, PLAYERS enthusiastic, TROUPE a little battered) I think we’ve seen the future here. (Slaps ALAN on back) And the future is bright.