TV is the New Reading

Failure to ‘Launch’

Bravo’s campy ‘Launch

My Line’ is a fashion don’t

Look, if you can’t get Heidi Klum and you don’t have Tim Gunn, you cannot do fashion on television. Stop trying. It’s embarrassing.

In five seasons, NBC property Bravo had developed “Project Runway” into a high-profile media darling. Host and former supermodel Klum had built “In fashion, one day you’re in, and the next, you’re out” to Emmy status, and Gunn had already spun off a couple of dapper little side projects. More people knew who fashion editor Nina Garcia and designer Michael Kors were than otherwise would have, and by the end of each season, a handful of designers had each distinguished themselves as truly talented.

And the show seemed like a perfect fit among Bravo’s image-obsessed productions like “Top Chef,” “Blow Out,” “Work Out,” “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” “Million-Dollar Listing,” “Millionaire Matchmaker,” “Tabitha’s Salon Takeover,” “The Rachel Zoe Project,” “First Class All the Way,” “Welcome to the Parker,” “Top Design” and so forth.

Then one day, out of nowhere, you’ve got scrappy little upstart Lifetime, Television for Women, apparently turning away from spendy little drama series and original movies starring Valerie Bertinelli and betting its entire programming budget in securing the high-profile fashion show through its 10th season.

And the show does seem a bit out of place among “Drop Dead Diva” and “Sherri” and “Rita Rocks.” But do you know what it doesn’t seem like? It doesn’t seem like someone’s ridiculous attempt to present a fashion show that is a cheap, unacceptable shadow of the production it’s desperately trying to replace.

They barely tried last season with something called “The Fashion Show,” pairing former Destiny’s Child singer Kelly Rowland and fashion icon Isaac Mizrahi. But as it turns out, you can’t just pull in people off the streets and have them cobble together clothing based on sheer force of will, vote them off one by one call it a show. It was a miserable disappointment. There’s nothing about it that was remotely memorable. It was a failure.

‘Launch My Line’

And this year’s attempt is just sad. Ten fashion “experts” are paired with 10 hopefuls and together they are meant to create a line of clothing. The show is called “Launch My Line.” In the course of the production, the hopefuls are meant to design 10 items of clothing that can be used as the foundation for their line.

Here’s why this does not work: I’ve been watching “Project Runway” for about three years now and the challenges these people face in putting the clothes together is intense. And each look is designed to pass a specific challenge. Sure the designers have their own unique perspectives and point of view, but at the end of the production, the clothes they’ve created are not part of a coherent line. And they’re not meant to be. There’s clothing made of paper, clothing meant to look inspired by Bob Mackie or a piece of art, or costume pieces that might be featured in a movie.

The challenges are meant to weed out the least talented designers, and then the three most talented designers go off and create a complete line in isolation -- a line which doesn’t include the pieces they slapped together to win the challenges.

Another reason it won’t work: It is helmed by a couple of twee designers, Dean and Dan Caten, marketing themselves as Dsquared₂, who are aging gracelessly and together are a poor replacement for Heidi Klum.

And instead of having Tim Gunn, producers have tried to recruit his apparent Mini-Me as a contestant. Patrick McDonald is an unrelenting fop billed as a fashion writer, although a quick Web browse turns up more images than bylines. As enthusiastic as he is about fashion, he’s never actually created an article of clothing. But he’s got this ridiculous, over-the-top look that’s sure to rope in a couple of unsuspecting viewers.

And he’s not the only fop, although the worst offenders are among the “experts” rather than the hopefuls -- “Tressa’s” simply ridiculous in a “Kids in the Hall” kind of way, and one of them, “Thai,” lifted his entire look from Christian Siriano, winner of “Project Runway’s” fourth season and oh yeah, a demonstrably talented designer.

The show goes to Ventura Beach to look at pretty people in tight clothing and at some point music sensation Lady Gaga is meant to stop by. But it should be sooner rather than later. Frankly, nothing about this show suggests much in the way of staying power.

New episodes of “Launch My Line” air, for now, at 9 p.m. Wednesdays on Bravo.

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