a comedy in
one act
by Terry J.
Aman
Jan: A
consultant
Jean: A consultant
Rhonda: A homeowner
Excerpt
JEAN: The
presence of a small brass censer blesses the house and awakens the energies.
JAN: (Off)
I’m really feeling it!
JEAN: Now try
the hall closet.
JAN: (Off)
Roger!
RHONDA: So
it’s just a little, what, $2.49 trinket and everything’s better?
JEAN: $3.50.
And I’d put a windchime (Just happens to have one, draws it out) (Searching)
... right here. This one is on sale for $5.50. But we won’t haggle. Whatever
you have on hand.
RHONDA: Oh, I
see what you’re doing.
JEAN: What?
RHONDA: I get
the scam. You offer free consultations and home inspections for feng shui,
someone invites you over, and then you start the sales pitch.
JEAN: No,
never! We merely ...
JAN: (Comes
in, sobbing) Waah! It’s true, it’s true!
RHONDA: See!
JEAN: Oh, you
poor dear, what’s the matter?
RHONDA: It’s
guilt, that’s what! There’s nothing wrong with the energies in my house!
Censers, wind chimes ...
JAN: (Sobbing,
in JEAN’s embrace) Oh, oh, oh.
JEAN: There,
there, dear, what is it?
JAN: It’s ...
it’s ... the closet.
JEAN: I knew
it!
RHONDA: What’s
wrong with my closet? Does it need an $8 mothball?
JAN: (Now
glaring at Rhonda) I felt it! I really felt the energies in here raging and
loosening like the ice breaking up on a great lake.
JEAN: It was
the censer, wasn’t it?
RHONDA: No, it
wasn’t.
JAN: It was!
How can you be so cruel? So hateful?
JEAN: (To
Rhonda) She’s only trying to help!
JAN: That’s
all I ever do. I get my degree –
JEAN: Our
degree –
JAN: From
Hollywood Upstairs Community College.
JAN and JEAN:
Go, go, UPSTAIRS!
JAN: I work
...
JEAN: We work.
JAN: We slave
for eight grueling weeks.
JEAN: Linoleum!
JAN: Vinyl!
JAN and JEAN:
UNNATURAL!
JAN:
Coffeemaker
JEAN: Geyser.
JAN and JEAN:
WATER ENERGY!
JEAN: Red
satin!
JAN:
Bedspread!
JAN and JEAN:
SLUT!
RHONDA: Hey!
JAN: All I
want to do is help.
JEAN: That’s
all we do.
JAN: It’s all
we know how to do.
JEAN: And you
bring us in.
JAN: Free
consult.
JEAN: Totally
free!
JAN: And we
make one – one –
JEAN: One
suggestion, and ...
JAN: BAM!
JEAN: Scam!
JAN:
Charalatans!
JEAN: All we
do is make one teeny suggestion and ...
JAN: And she’s
ready to call the police!
JEAN: Like
it’s a shakedown!
JAN: You’d
think we came in and started robbing her blind!
JEAN: It’s
what comes from helping people.
JAN: We
don’t have the furniture bunched up!
JEAN: We’re
not the ones with stagnant energy.
JAN: We’re not
the ones with that closet.
JEAN: What
happened?
JAN: I was in
the bedroom, and the energies were flowing like whitewater rapids.
JEAN: See? For
$3.50, energy flowing like whitewater rapids!
JAN: And I
opened the hall closet.
JEAN: Don’t
tell me.
RHONDA: What!
What was it?
JAN: Clutter!
JEAN: Clutter?
JAN: To the ceiling!
I couldn’t – I couldn’t breathe!
JEAN: You need
to warn us when there’s clutter in a closet!
JAN: I nearly
fell over dead.
JEAN: You poor
dear.
JAN: The
waves, the waves, they were just a vast, black burden.
JEAN: Let it
go.
JAN: A
whirlpool. I was sinking, drowning.
JEAN: A
cluttered closet is an energy vacuum.
JAN: Sucks the
life from a place.
JEAN: Just
sucks it straight out. Oh, no no no no no, this will not continue.
JAN: We can’t let
it continue.
JEAN: Oh, you
just sit right here, dear. (JAN slumps into chair) Oh, we’re going to
need all the help we can get. (Hangs wind chime and runs off)