TV is the New Reading

So you think you can

write about dance?

I haven’t laughed so hard or been more troubled or had my jaw dropped more soundly by two hours of television for a good long while.

The audition rounds have started for “So You Think You Can Dance?” and sitting in judgment were fop Nigel Lythgoe, the not especially articulate Mary Murphy and bland choreographer Mia Michaels.

Were they up to the task of sifting through zip-zap-zoobie and fobba-fobba-fobba and the ubba-thubba-ubba-thubba-THWOP?

You can already see how this is potentially the worst possible medium to discuss what the hopefuls were bringing to the stage, and I’m no-one who should be talking about it. Honestly, I don’t know from dance. But I know comedy, and there was no shortage of it in last week’s premiere.

Sadly, a lot of it was quite unintentional.

Real talent ...

First, however, the joy. A number of dancers did well enough in the Los Angeles auditions to participate in the dance-off in Las Vegas. Some were incredible. A vaguely Russian couple appeared who danced beautifully with each other but unfortunately couldn’t dance with anyone else so they missed the Vegas trip. Also appearing were an Asian couple who did manage the choreography round and will shake it through to the Vegas round.

Other phenomena appeared as revelations. There was a body popper who made far too many goofy faces but his movement defied physical laws. He wasn’t even so much a dancer as a contortionist, but he took enough direction to be choreographed. Sadly, another popper, Victor, who also had mad flexibility, had trouble following directions and will not be headed for Vegas.

It’s dancers like this that make the audition rounds worthwhile. Some people really can dance, and dance beautifully, but can’t take direction and can’t dance and play nicely with others and so this is the only place you will see them.

Others work their hearts out and will make it through to the Vegas rounds, like this little blonde soccer player who was all over the stage during her audition. I’ve forgotten her name but even if I remembered it I’d be calling her “Amber Atkins,” like Kirsten Dunst’s character from “Drop Dead Gorgeous.” She turned in a magnificent, energetic performance. This was her third audition for the show and the third time was indeed the charm. She’ll also be heading to the Vegas rounds.

... and lack thereof

On the other side of the coin are the people who showed up specifically to be awful. These aren’t the ones who are clearly trying their best but just aren’t right for the show. These are the people who know they’re not right for the show but show up anyway because there’s a camera and a potentially national audience.

One of them was back for his third audition and he was smacked down a third time. But it doesn’t seem like there are words that will convince him he can’t move or express himself in any kind of coordinated fashion. David “Sex” Whatever couldn’t dance to save his life, but that, sadly, would not stop him from getting out on the floor and jerking about in an uncontrolled sort of way.

Then there was the guy who was just too beautiful for the competition. No, not the guy who stripped down to his underwear and quite possibly did a perfectly acceptable routine but it was hard to tell over all of the nakedness. Instead I’m talking about Anthony, who couldn’t even be bothered to notice his partner during the choreography round. He was such a narcissist I’m not convinced he’s aware that there are other people on the planet.

And then there was the masked breakdancer “Gold Inferno,” who achieved his goal of being mentioned in this blog. But with his one-trick jump-dancing presentation, he was not heading on to Vegas either.

Judging?

All of this would’ve been fine except that the judges weren’t any more articulate concerning dance than I am. They talked of technique, and whether someone’s technique was “strong” enough, and whether people had “brought it” or not.

And honestly it’s the nature of dance. Expressive movement can be an exquisite infusion of energy or it can be flat and lifeless, but it defies description. It almost needs to be seen.

Toward that end, the audition rounds continue this week on FOX, and they are as full of wonder and hilarity as any self-selected collection of dancers – and “dancers” – you might hope to see this summer.

Features Editor Terry J. Aman compiles the Best Bets for The Minot Daily News.

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