TV is the New Reading

‘Hidden Palms’ is a disappointing teen drama

So, you’re a “network,” and you’ve canceled “Veronica Mars,” one of your most interesting properties, parceling actors out to ABC’s fall premiere of “Private Practice” and your own less interesting project “Gossip Girls,” also in production, theoretically replacing “Gilmore Girls,” which was getting more than a little bit silly anyway.

How do you keep people watching your ridiculous trainwreck? How do you hold onto ever shrinking market share?

You ... air a teen drama. In the summer. For, I imagine, the teens who aren’t already out having their own summer teen dramas.

The CW’s latest questionable decision, “Hidden Palms,” isn’t as bad as other critics have said but it’s not as interesting as it thinks it is.

See, there’s this highly intelligent and academically driven teenage boy named Johnny, whose father commits suicide pretty much right in front of him. Why? Who knows. But a year of drug abuse and rehabilitation later, Johnny’s unstable mother resumes custody and along with Johnny’s new stepfather, moves them all to Palm Springs. Why? Again, who knows.

There he meets a Cliff, a smarmy practical joker who I’m supposed to find zany and madcap but also dark with hidden secrets and depths. What are they? Not to worry. In three episodes, someone will ask him, and he’ll blurt them all out. Then there’s the girl next door, a science geek who is currently conducting experiments with her feminity. She’s instantly overshadowed by the mayor’s daughter, the poor little rich girl who actually has to (gasp) work for spending money. And of course there’s Greta, a beautiful, mysterious girl who runs around through the golf course sprinklers at night in a flowing nightie and says deep, mysterious things, but meets her metaphysical equal in Johnny. They have arch, meaningful, metacommunicative conversations and draw conclusions people might if they were federal profilers – or at least the sort that scriptwriters for a teen drama might write if they were big fans of profiling shows and watched a lot of them on television.

One shining point in this show has nothing to do with the show at all. Rather, the inclusion of recurring cast member Leslie Jordan as a drag performer and Johnny’s A.A. sponsor. His voice was instant nostalgia for me as I remembered Markie Post and John Ritter in that ’90s sitcom “Hearts Afire,” itself very much a Bloodworth-Thomason Clinton-era production. Jordan was on screen less than five minutes, which wasn’t nearly enough.

Certainly everyone else is so arch and beautiful you just know nothing especially interesting is going to happen, beyond lots of beautiful people having lots of inappropriate sex. You can predict most of the story arcs from the pilot episode. And some of them are going to be really difficult to get off the ground. After all, regardless of whether Cliff and Greta’s friend Eddie killed himself or had some help, it’s going to be hard to care much when the main character has no connection to him at all.

I’m sure they’ll think of something. Meanwhile, I think I’m going to wish them well, ignore it, and go for a walk.

Features Editor Terry J. Aman compiles the Best Bets for The Minot Daily News.

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